I’ve had a complicated and turbulent relationship with my parents my entire life. Filled with depression, neglect and abuse. I’ve been in therapy for years, recently finished an outpatient program started taking antidepressants and was stable for the first time in a while. Then my dad called to say my mom was in the hospital, that she had coded and been brought back 3 times and it wasn’t looking good. I was in the middle of a move across two states (set to leave 3/4 days after this day) and I moved mountains to sign for the sale of my home in advance and complete everything on the military side so I could leave early and go home. I got it all done but it wasn’t fast enough. My dad called me again 4 hours later and she was gone. I didn’t get to say goodbye. The last we spoke was a big fight 6 months ago. I hadn’t seen her for 3 years until I saw her laying still on the table. I have a deep hate for myself, am angry with God but am also so tired that I can’t be any emotion. Something broke when after seeing my mom I had to put a smile on my face and take care of my son because my husband was away and had been for months. So I find myself now in a new city, without my established mental health team and a newfound level of depression. My antidepressant aren’t working, and it takes everything in me to not take solace in the whiskey. She was 47, in good health and was not supposed to be taken. It’s been three weeks but feels like three years.

Posted by Ayla at 2022-04-22 03:57:01 UTC