Less than 2 weeks ago, someone I have known and cared about for years passed away both unexpectedly and instantaneously. I carry this heaviness with me all day every day…I wake up and my body remembers before I do. They were a bright soul, and I loved them from the moment we met in our early 20s. For two years it was on again, off again…it sounds bad, but they just were one of those people that i knew was not going to settle down or commit anytime soon. But the passion…the spark…connection was always there. I put my feelings aside to separate myself and move on, married someone who is amazing, and since we were all in the same community, we all remained great friends and were so happy every time we ran into each other. Today, I face so many emotions and types of grief. I grieve for younger me, who never expected to be at their funeral and was at one point so hopeful for things to work out one day because of the unique connection. I grieve for them, because they never found that peace or thing they searched for…self love. I regret never telling them my truest feelings out of pride…not because I wish it changed MY future, but because I wonder if it would have helped them love themself a bit more. I feel out of place, guilty, even wrong for mourning a past lover, although deep down I feel like love never dies, it just changes. My partner has been so supportive and sweet, but i still can’t help but feel…stupid maybe? I guess I just needed a safe anonymous place to vent. Please don’t judge.
Posted by idebr at 2022-08-11 15:30:43 UTC