I've always pondered existence and non-existence - for as long as I can remember....beset by the mad possibility even that there may only be ME - that everything and everyone was only a figment of my imagination (as a small child I remember leaving a room full of adults then suddenly bursting back in in an attempt to catch them in the act of disappearing). Strange kid. But my adult decades have been dominated by left brain activity - reason, logic, rationality - a real child of the Enlightenment. Eschewing any organised religion (Catholic childhood, which may explain a lot), I held fast to the material and rejected religious dogma in principle, believing that it's the here and now and measurable that could only be affected by our activity....but I was always hideously aware of the ever present horror of nothingness and it's inevitability. When Bob died, something shifted. I remember sitting under the apple tree and proclaiming to myself 'I shall concentrate on 'being' not 'doing' from now on.' I didn't know what I meant, but it felt right. So - dipping into druidry, meditation, mediums, spirituality in the general sense I find myself altered. Not utterly convinced, not able to totally silence reasoned analysis and certainly not drawn to anything organised in the institutional sense ..... but somehow stilled. This stillness was strongest in the first year after his death - the second has seen a battle raging between the two 'sides' of my brain and has resulted in depression, anxiety and despair at times.... But now in my sixties and heartbroken, I wonder if I have stopped running... finally. Have no idea what will transpire..

Posted by bellamadden at 2022-08-01 08:05:18 UTC