I'm new here, and this is probably a long one but It's Craig's birthday today he would of been 35 today.... Craig Swanson was born 16/04/1987, he has an older sister Pamela, who he dotted on and she loved him soo much. I heard he was a typical kid and teen loved camping, hunting, going on the Loch with his dad, friends and sister. He grew into a cheeky teen who loved WWE and regularly practiced Swanton bombs with his best friend Shaun. He became so bubbly and outgoing as he grew he was an a fun loving guy and lived his best life. I met him online sometime around early 2016 he was 19 and I was 15 nearly 16 going through some crap from my past and we chatted a lot and got on great, he was kind and funny also really respectful. He helped me cope with my demons and understood from a young age I had my difficulties with mental health he was there for me any time and a month before my 16th birthday he came down to meet me and my mum etc 25th May 2016 a day ill never forget, the instant I saw him in person I was in love and I remember hugging him like I had missed him for so long he always joked about it about how I fell in love at just one look and how he could see it in my eyes that very first time I saw him.. We spent so much time together he would come down to my mums and after I turned 16 in June I was able to go to his we pretty soon became inseparable. Even if we would argue or fall out it was a few days at most and one of us would go to the other one and it would be spoken about and forgotten, I learned so much from him no matter what he was always there for me. He understood my mood swings, he never made me feel guilty when I was going through my mental illness, he just helped me through it got me to go to counselling, came with me on certain sessions, he was my rock, my everything. As I was getting older and being in a real proper relationship I struggled sometimes and would withdraw for weeks at a time, he never gave up on me he was always there when I came around again. I was in love with him so much but I didn't know how to cope with that love I was confused and conflicted due to my abusive past and he always just got it and was there for me when I was ready again. I tried to commit suicide and I seen how hurt and how broken it made him and I knew I couldn't leave him after everything. We made plans, married, our own house, kids, names, just planned our future. He had a baby from a previous girlfriend and he always used to say I wish it was you I got pregnant. I was always helpful with his baby even when the mum tried to break us up nothing got in between us we just worked it out and tried to move on. We literally had even our pets planned a kitten and a rottweiler and we had to get them as kitten and puppy so they got on lol planned how the house was going to be decorated, we were going to grow old together. Fast forward My 18th birthday he took me to see bon Jovi, my first ever concert I was in awe couldn't believe it. A memory I can never forget, bitter sweet. Not long after that I went a bit off the rails again and didn't contact him for a few weeks when I went back he was in hospital, the lumps I had been moaning about for months prior had been getting worse, he was getting checked for cancer... My world fell apart, I rushed to him instantly by his side, acute leukaemia. Little did I know what that meant... Feels like the following weeks are just blur, every day I'd be up in the hospital. He hated it he hated being cooped up, hated the ops, bone marrow, transfusions it was all getting too much, he kept wanting to leave, go home. We'd try days out, but he's not allowed to eat outside the hospital he had to be careful, but it wasn't enough he was so miserable it was so hard we tried making plans and continuing our life but there was just something off. He started pushing me away, I guess kinda trying to prepare me but it didn't prepare me at all. Silly little fights he'd tel me to go and I would but I'd come back until one silly little fight I couldn't take back. I kept trying to contact him and there was no success I kept getting annoyed what's was going on I tried calling texting, nothing all day... Worry kicking in now then I gets a call from his sister Craig had went downhill.. He was let to stay at his mums for a few days and he caught an infection.. The infection attacked his brain causing a stroke, he couldn't speak he wasnt him self anymore she made me promise not to come see him like this but she told him everyday I love him and I miss him. It broke me I wanted to be there but I know he wouldn't want to been seen like this... Over a week I struggled, I wrote him letters, he never got to read. As I was sitting writing him one his sister called me was just after midnight (10 November technically) when I received the called to tell me he was gone. 9 November 2008 he lost the fight and my world flipped upside down. I have never felt pain like it I didn't know how I was going to continue without my best friend, my rock, the love of my life.. I spiralled way out of control my depression hit an all time low I couldn't function... Drugs, Alcohol and sex numbed it all blocked out my pain for some time.. But then the reality kicks in and I have to deal with it I have to try and face life again without him.. So I try pick myself up dust myself off and try this life again... But someone had other plans for me because just a year later on Christmas Eve December 2009 I experienced another loss, massively impacts me all over again... And that's another story for another day. But this is my story of losing my first love nearly 14 years ago but I still remember him every day especially on his birthday 🎂 I can never forget the man he was because he helped make me the woman I am, I done a lot of things I regret in my time with him and there's a million things I would love to take back that I never can but I will forever carry the knowledge I've learned from this to better my future self but it never stops the pain or hurt.. So much has happened since I lost Craig I've got a son, got a job, became a boss and sometimes I just wish I could tell him about my day or just how hard its been on a daily basis without him cheering me on like he always did...

Posted by Tammydunn90 at 2022-04-16 10:30:55 UTC