In one of the last letters I wrote him when we were together, I told him “I hope someday you see yourself the way I do” and it breaks my heart. I would have put all my chips on him, he was a brilliant mind who wanted to help humankind. I thought he was brilliant enough to cure cancer someday - to avenge the loss of his father when he was 9/10. But some truths were too heavy to carry. Someone wrote earlier that suicide is the last symptom of depression. I remember watching his descent into his deep depressive episodes. He isolated from his family, his best friends, and myself for over 2 years. Early pandemic, I asked his sister if she had heard from him - when she said she didn’t for almost two years, my stomach sunk. The person I knew loved and valued his sister so much. That’s when I knew it got bad. I blew up his Facebook messenger - nothing. He used to always reply so quickly to me. It was so painful to see. I feel so helpless, I have so many regrets, I wanted so badly to walk that path alongside him, to heal with him. But I guess I knew in my heart this was his journey and his journey alone. Sometimes I get visions or I guess nightmares of me running up the road, crying for him, screaming at him to stop - and then I wake up, open my eyes, and realize he’s really gone.

Posted by mvricole at 2022-07-17 03:20:59 UTC