In October 2023 my mom, after literally being dragged kicking and screaming to the ER was hospitalized for a bowel obstruction. A few days later we found out she had stage 4 pancreatic cancer. 6 days later she went in for surgery to remove the obstruction, her bowel was perforated, and due the the cancer they couldn’t repair it so she bled out and died. A year and a half later and I still haven’t cried. She was an alcoholic her whole life and verbally abusive to me as a child. I always kept her at arms length as an adult because to be frank, I was embarrassed by her and hated the fact that we didn’t have a close relationship. If I’m being brutally honest, I don’t even think I’m sad that she’s gone, relief is maybe a more accurate feeling, and anger perhaps as well. Anger for the loving mother I don’t feel like I had and frustration that all I ever hear from family is “oh but she loved you so much.” Throwing this out there in hopes that after a year plus of disassociating from these feelings I hear from someone who shares a shred of what I feel, since I have yet to find a grief resources that matches my very abnormal brand of grief.

Posted by rachiequeen at 2024-12-24 15:03:53 UTC