My mom died on August 2nd, she had a heart attack in the night. It has been the most excruciating and yet confusing experience trying to process all the emotions I have felt. It doesn’t help that I was experiencing that anticipatory grief, as I saw her begin to lose walking ability and things like that. She was, at times, incredibly neglectful and abusive. She destroyed my life in that way. I am 21, and was still living at home until about two months before she passed because she had hoarded in my childhood home & made it completely unlivable. She discouraged and threatened me when I suggested it was time to get a job and start driving because of her own anxiety, so now I am 21 with no experience. She ruined her own life, too. She kicked out my two oldest brothers. The third one became her workhorse and quickly left, and the fourth one had a mental breakdown and had to leave home because of the emotional abuse. So many wrong choices on her behalf because her mental illness went untreated and she became a pill addict. It is so frustrating that I loved her. I love her & I miss her and there has not been a day where she isn’t in my every thought. I think on the inside my mom truly did love us somewhere. I forget what she sounded like and it feels like I cannot remember a single memory good or bad about her. It all is so overwhelming. I wish my brothers felt the same so I had someone to grieve with, but they are more detached because of how long they were estranged. It all hurts & I’m worried it will feel so heavy forever.

Posted by Deleted (6e53a70c) at 2024-08-24 19:22:41 UTC