Hi, I'm having a particularly lengthy crying session at the moment, with a lot of thoughts pinging off the walls, so feel i should open up a little. It's great weather, I'm ill, and i no longer have my mum around to comfort me in the way that mothers do best. I don't expect other people to be the same person she was, but it is difficult when you keep getting the nudge of how much this impacts your life. She was just one lady, but an incredible one at that. My mum lost her father tragically when she was in her early 30s, with a husband and three kids, however she wasn't very open with her grief (as far as i could see), she was a very strong, caring and supportive person, but i feel her loss contributed to her considered to be unhealthy lifestyle choices. Looking at her experience, i can only now understand why she may have experienced her grief in that way, but they are choices I am somewhat keen to not go through myself. I now feel like i have to make different lifestyle choices because of it. My dad recently lost both his parents in the past few years as a late 50 year old, both through unfortunate illnesses, one through dementia, he had then lost his long time brother in law, and now his partner of the past 40+ years. He's seeking therapy through advice of his loved ones, but also keeping busy, away on adventures with the dog, but can't help but worry about him a lot. Sometimes i feel like I've lost more than my mum, as the dynamic has shifted so much within our family. Like the mum shaped hole is crumbling around the edges, and I'm one of the only ones to put some support in there. These sorts of changes i just wasn't quite prepared for because i thought i had more time, be more of an adult, experienced more of my own life before having to deal with such a tragedy. Being this strong, can be so exhausting. I'm hoping when my illness clears up a little, that I'll have the energy to start up being creative again, something my mum was so proud of me for. Thank you for reading another long entry from myself. I appreciate any and all comments. X

Posted by longlivepaperandscissors at 2022-07-09 18:44:28 UTC