Hi, this is my first post. I wrote a lot, sorry! My story is kind complicated to explain but in summary, my dad is a pedophile, previously a cop. My sister is a felon as she helped him hide evidence on his case. My brother financially needs my dad. And my mom is an abusive alcoholic who’s been in and out of my life. My parents have been divorced since I was six, both remarried when I was probably 8 or so. My siblings are 7 and 8 years older than me. I turned my dad in with his child porn he had at the age of 16, leading to an entire cut off of my family that was very messy, I chose no relationship as well as with an ongoing case they could not contact me, witness protection. They’re all christian but, not the good kind, they believe it all should’ve been dealt with within the family and without the police involvement. I disagreed as I had a nine year old step brother on my dad’s side. As well as I was a minor myself. My mom helped my sister bond him out of jail as my sister is her favorite…she also divorced him for the said pedophilia but he had full custody of me. With that being said, I am now coming up on five years since the loss of my entire family, it will be the week before my birthday this month. I will be 22. My dad despite everything was my best friend and my sister was basically my mom since I lacked my actual mother 90% of the time. The loss is difficult because they’re not dead, but they did die for me, at 16. It comes with a lot of grief and confusion because I think part of me hates them for what they all did but it’s hard to not want to love them or even the idea of them. I also think part of me died in that house, too. I grieve what should’ve/could’ve been and who I would’ve been. I have decided to never continue a relationship with any of them. I think it’s unhealthy and unsafe. They don’t want to change. This year feels as hard as the first year. I think it’s the thought of doing this again and again. Five years feels so long that I’ve been doing this alone but at the same time it feels like it all just happened yesterday. It’s hard to accept that this is what the rest of my life will look like and that the holidays will continue this way. I think I just miss the idea of a family more than I even miss them as people because clearly, they were not good people. I just don’t know how to accept that I will miss them longer than I knew them I guess. Thanks for reading. If anyone has anything advice or thoughts I’ll gladly read. Thank you.

Posted by Marmar at 2024-07-02 18:14:07 UTC