Picture of him not included out of privacy for his family. I met him when I was 14, I saw the world in his eyes and he loved me right back. I feel in my heart that he was my soulmate. In this lifetime, I have lost him 3 times. Once, to depression in our younger years. Left untreated, he morphed into someone unrecognizable. Irritable, angry, impatient, frustrated because he couldn’t label what he was going through and couldn’t find the words to explain to me what he felt. Maybe a little pride in there as well. He had s****dal ideations back then and premeditated feelings - I was able to intervene and get him help. It didn’t last long, he didn’t think he needed it. The second time, I lost him as my life partner. Literally weeks before, we were laughing and talking about our future. He was the love of my life. Two weeks after the ideations began, he told me he didn’t love me anymore yet felt like a part of his soul was missing when we were apart. I was 20. I didn’t know what to do other than respect his wishes. But I begged him to stay. He told me he didn’t want to hurt me in the future, he told me I was going to be okay. Maybe he knew. Thus began a 10 year saga of push and pull, he would always find his way back to me - by text, over a meal, on Facebook. I did no contact for two years to heal, eventually found my current partner, and eventually felt strong enough to welcome him back in. I worried about him all these years. I wanted him to know I was still rooting for him, his happiness and peace - even if it meant life taking us in different directions. Anytime he would reach out, I would appease him. He told me so much about his life and what he was studying. We acknowledged that we still loved each other very much but a relationship wasn’t an option. He had big grandiose ideas and plans for himself, none of them included me and that was okay. I just wanted him to be happy and fulfilled in his life choices. No one closest to him heard from him from 2019 to 2021 and this worried me a lot. The last time, I lost him to s***ide. Details aside, I was and still am gutted. I last spoke to him in December, we were supposed to call each other but he canceled saying he was feeling emotionally weak. That should have been my cue. I’m sorry we all have to be here, grief is a journey I wouldn’t wish on anyone. Every day is a little different. Some days I’m mad, some days I’m sad. Some days I doubt. But when I see the posts, I see so much love. The love was real. Our love was real and I’m so grateful to have felt that in this lifetime. I’m sorry I’m here too. “But what is grief if not love persevering?”

Posted by mvricole at 2022-07-07 00:48:58 UTC