I was having trouble becoming an adult. Now my mum died and things are very clear, it's heartbreaking. Because of the constant struggle between my mum and me I didn't notice that I was missing out to say really goodbye to my mum in the hospixe and in the hospital. I didn't tell her that I love her as wholeheartedly as it would be necessary and I am left alone with not fully having lived out our relationship. There is such a big portion of me that I didn't show my mum vulnerably. I am missing an essential part of me. I was a very sensitive person but now a big chunk of my ability to perceive is matted and blocked like an adhesion. This can't be resolved because my mum is not there anymore. I am afraid. I don't want to be the person that I am now. I loved my old me. There was so much of my mum in me. But because I was so angry all the time lately I banished her out of me. And now a part of me is missing. Because that part of me came from the ability to connect with my mum and this connection was disrupted for a long time. But I didn't think it was a big deal because we saw each other every day and every day this closeness was graspable. I am so incredibly devastated. I would hug my mum now and I would shower her with unconditional love. I would for the first time really tell her that I love her in a way that she believes she is lovable and that she feels seen. I miss my mum so much. I love my mum so much. My heart always knew that she is the real deal. She is one in a million. Why did I mistake this love with other things? I was afraid to move out because I was afraid to lose my home. But my home is my mum's love and it was always there.
Posted by le-kit at 2024-05-26 11:53:12 UTC