I'm here after losing my incredible mum suddenly in September 2021. She was 57, my parents were at their holiday home, and with my mum feeling unwell that morning, she contacted 111, and had a sudden heart attack due to a clot in her pulmonary artery, and despite my dad's and the ambulance crews best efforts, she didn't make it. She was here one day, making fresh handpicked blackberry jam for her neighbours, and gone the next. She was due to come back home that afternoon, but instead i was awoken with a panicked phonecall from my sister, i blinked, i was being driven to the hospital, trying to contact my brother who was a long flight away, and console my nan sitting behind me in hysterics. I struggle a lot with the reminder that she's not on holiday anymore, and that i will continue to live a life without her being there. Although i have love for others in my life, she was a superwoman and noone will ever match up to her. I feel horrible and guilty for being jealous of others spending time with their loved ones, people with second chances to live, and even people who just had the chance to say goodbye before they had gone. I don't hold it against anyone personally, i just wanted to have some more time with my mum. Despite my breakdowns, I've somehow taken on my mums strength and have been the rock of the family. I like that i can now see the similarities i had with her, and that it somehow keeps the good parts of her in mind. I'm learning to appreciate the time i have and make more effort to do the things that bring happiness to our lives. I'm also learning to look after my health and listen to what's going on with my body, especially since i have developed physical symptoms of grief and anxiety. It's scary, but I'm doing better. I know that grief comes in waves, and usually I'm able to let myself sit with it for a little while as it washes over. The hardest parts is when it's an unexpected triggered memory, and i feel like i have to gasp for air. I don't think the pain of losing my mum is ever going to get better, but hopefully with time i won't feel so lost in it all. Thank you for reading so far, and I'm sorry for the loss of your loved ones. I appreciate the love and understanding that is shared with eachother. X

Posted by longlivepaperandscissors at 2022-07-06 15:21:18 UTC