Context - I'm F(27) and live in the US and have been in a ldr with my boyfriend (31) in the Netherlands. We have been very close for about 2 years now.. Last year, his mother was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, and our hearts sank as we looked dillogently for clinical trials, treatment and anything to prolong her life. My boyfriend was her main caretaker as his father couldn't bear to see his wife in pain. It saddened me that my boyfriend had to conceal and close off his emotions to step up to the plate and care for his mother when his father or sister wouldn't help. He has been an angel day in and day out, tending to his mother's medications, appointments and making she she is comfortable. After 1.5 years, yesterday morning to be exact, she lost the battle. The cancer aggressively took her active life away and took away the opportunities and comfort she would have given for many more years to come. My boyfriend, who already closes off his emotions is so broken right now. Me being thousands of miles away also doesn't help in a situation like this, however he wanted our first meeting to be special and not sad. My boyfriend has been there in my times of need when hell breaks loose at my home and I received great comfort from him. I love him so much and the fact that his mother was so important to him, I feel like I had some kind of connection to her even though we didn't get the chance to meet, we just had a couple little chats and she read my notes to her about how she raised an incredibly caring and kind son. I've been watching several grieving videos and for the most part the say to just show up, be an active listener, or bring over some kind of meal/do a chore for them. I've been messaging him letting him know I'm there for him and I sent a bouquet of flowers in his mother's memory. I'd also like to arrange something where I can send him and his family a meal but I also don't want to be overstepping any boundaries. I love him and I want to do these things since I cannot be there in person. I want to ask him things like are you eating or what kind of food would you like right now but I also don't want to be intrusive and it be like another thing he would have to think about and decide when there is already so much on his plate. I spoke with him again today and he had told me that his mother's siblings have been so crude that they don't even care about helping with burial costs and won't help chip in. Not even that, but they didn't even call him or his family to ask if they were ok. No card, nothing. His dad and sister are doing fine mostly because they didn't partake in any of his mother's care. My boyfriend is pretty intelligent studying to be a nuclear fusion scientist and working on his double masters degree in physics and nuclear energy. It broke my heart even more so that I learned he was covering the cost of his mother's plot with his tuition money. I want to help as much as I can as it pains me to know that he is in so much distress. I know I can't make it better but I really really want to. I can't stop crying and I'm just so heartbroken. I've been balling my eyes out of sadness and anxiety as I want to be there for him by sending messages and taking his calls but it makes me so sad. I know he is absolutely torn and to see his mother pass in pain it breaks my heart even more. He is having nightmares and feels guilty for failing to keep her alive. Though it's not his fault I'm reaching out here because I know everyone grieves differently and it's a huge stone to step across, but I could really use some advice. If you can think of a good approach or would like to chat about it further with me, I would greatly appreciate it, thank you so much 💖

Posted by danielle204 at 2022-07-06 03:16:26 UTC