Hi all. I thought I could deal with my grief on my own, but it turns out I can't. I lost my Grandma, my best friend, in May 2020. Growing up with just my Mum and my brother meant that my Grandma and Papa were always there to help us, and very much took the place of my Dad. We lost Papa in 2016 to Alzeimers, and although that was the worst experience, we always had Grandma to focus on as they had been married for nearly 60 years so it was as though the grief took a back step. In August 2019 Grandma was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer but it was too far gone and there was nothing they could do, nor was she strong enough even if they could. I was absolutely devastated. I tried to spend as much time as I could with her but covid made that extremely difficult. I wasn't even able to travel to say goodbye to her, instead I had to say goodbye through the ipad. There was only 10 of us allowed at her funeral and we only managed to spread her ashes in January of this year. I feel so utterly lost without her, I miss her every moment I'm awake. Though at the same time it feels so unreal, like it hasn't actually happened and that I'm going to walk into her house and see her again. It hits me like a brick wall every time I realise that I am never going to see her again, hear her laugh or help her bake a cake again. I feel like I've lost who I am amongst the grief. I feel angry, I get so frustrated at the littlest things, I cry alot, and I don't know who to talk to as if I talk to my family, we all end up upset and don't actually talk about things in an attempt not to bring up the pain again. My fiancee has had to bare the brunt of me changing and I'm incredibly lucky she's still here, but I need to sort out my head and this pain that I feel.. I just don't know how.
Posted by hannah.ivory at 2022-07-05 19:08:27 UTC