I'm not sure if this is the right place to share. I haven't felt allowed to share my grief from the suicide of my ex-husband a month ago today, as 1) it's been 6 years since we were together and 2) when we were dating after our divorce, it ended very abruptly after I cheated on him, which was painful and traumatic in itself (for both of us, definitely for him). He's had me blocked on social media ever since. We had one text conversation 4 years ago for his passport that was very kind and cordial and I opened the door if he ever wanted to share anything about his life). His family and I haven't spoken. I actually thought about reaching out a couple months ago to see if there was any healing I could offer him, now that I have the tools. He was partnered, so it feels wrong to share my own grief, like I don't deserve it, even though he was my husband and in my life for 10 years. And I feel like I caused it through the traumatic way we ended 6 years ago. I havent been able to work, it's totally regressed me, but I am trying to move through it. I have all this pain and regret and blame because I never wanted to lose him the first two times, and held on to the hope that some day we could reconnect in some way. I have therapy and body workers helping me, but I am struggling. My current partner is the one I cheated with, and he doesn't really understand why I am so distraught (despite explaining it's an attachment trauma). One of his adult kids doesn't either. I feel like I can't reach out to the family, other than the card I sent offering support), and because I'm blocked from his social media, I feel completely adrift. I feel like I'm not even allowed to feel all of this here, because it's a place for partners, and I didn't get to keep him as my partner. So much shame, guilt, what ifs. Trying to work through it. Really, really trying.

Posted by gg619 at 2024-04-12 14:48:34 UTC