My mom had been sick for about 6 years before we lost her. Every year I’d find myself in the hospital holding her hand thinking I was going to loose her and yet every year she’d still make it. I felt like I lost her over and over so many times that when she actually told me she thought this was the year that she’d go to be with her Dad I was numb. The last few months she was alive she was on so many medications that she was acting so crazy and was calling me non stop and showing up at my house at 4 am. She was calling my friends and ex’s so I told her to give me space. The last time I saw her in person I was so rushed to get away from her that I didn’t even give her a proper hug. I told her to go home I had work in a few hours. She ended up getting Covid and I couldn’t see her and it all snow balled from there. Within days she was taken by an ambulance and then she was put on life support. I never got to say I’m sorry for pushing her away and I never got to say goodbye. They had everything locked down and I couldn’t even hold her hand one last time. I hated the way she treated me but I’d trade everything in the world to have her show up at my house at 4 am just to hang out. How do you come to terms with trying to put up boundaries for your own mental health and then never being able to get closure? I miss her so much it physically hurts.

Posted by janae at 2024-04-10 00:19:33 UTC