Hey, maybe somebody can relate: My mum died in January from breast cancer (she had it since 2016), after beeing in hospital since the middle of November. At the end of December the doctors said, that there is no reason and hope to continue medication. Already two weeks before my therapist had the feeling that my mum might die, after I told her that she had a seizure which might come from tumor cells in the brain. At that point no doctor was talking about death yet. My therapist told me I should go into hospital ("psych ward") myself because it was Christmas, I would be alone and I needed some structure and people to care for me. And that someone should help me with finshing things with my Mum und to have important talks. I pannicked and only went into hospital after Christmas. There they didn't really understand why I was there, also because I forgot about the "talks" and I forgot to tell them what my therapist told me. So they send me off again after two weeks and said in such a phase I should be "in the normal world" and not in a cocoon. To my problem: My mum was my best friend and always there for me and we spend basically every day of my life together. My dad totally stopped talking to me when I was 14. So it's a complicated thing with him, but I accepted that and didn't (conciously) mourn that he is gone out of my life. It was ok for me and I didn't question it and just accepted his behaviour. I was just 14. I didn't move out from my mum until now although I am 28 and although that had been the plan for when I'm done with studying. But when I started working in 2020 my mental health was bad, I didn't get into the job really and my mum got the diagnosis that her cancer did spread. The last year and months I was constantly fighting with her and attacking her, because the pressure was so high and I was feeling that something is wrong. Now I think that I just needed to move out to create a different, more mature relationship with my mum. But that didn't happen and now I feel like some things are not finished. It's horrible, I feel like an incomplete person. It could habe been so "easy". Of course I would grief now, but I would grief my mother and our loving relationship. Instead, I now also grief my missed opportunity to become a confident woman. Which I surely would become, because my mum was so strong and just waiting for me to move out and live a more free and lighthearted life. I hate myself so much for not taking the gift she was giving me as long as she was strong. She lived her life for me and I destroyed that in just a couple of months by living out a puberty that I (to be honest) didn't experience when I was younger. What am I supposed to do? Who am I supposed to be? I feel so weak. Love.
Posted by le-kit at 2024-03-26 03:42:53 UTC