I find it incredibly difficult to express just how much my heart hurts. I’ve always been the same when I’ve been in pain or going through any tough time in my life (and I’ve had a few) I just shut off and I don’t deal with my emotions. But this time I feel like I’ve been forced to, at least on some level. I’ve had to ask for help and saying out loud that I’m not okay has to be one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done. I’m sure there’ll be people in this group that can relate when I say that usually, I carry on, I keep going and people think I’m okay … and even though I want to scream from the roof tops that I’m far from it, I let them believe that because it’s easier than having to deal with the fact that I just don’t know what to do, what to say or how to be anymore. I’m a mother and I am managing to keep that part of my life relatively stable for the sake of not disrupting my children’s lives anymore than they already have been. But honestly, the rest of my life, I feel like it’s falling apart piece by piece and soon there’ll be nothing left but this empty, hollow shadow of what once was a pretty happy person. I’m very good at wearing a mask, doing the washing, school run, keeping the house going and as far as anyone knows, I’m dealing well under the circumstances. But I’m not. I’m not actually dealing at all. I’ve never felt so lost and alone and the one person who would know that, categorically, is Russ. He just knew me. All of me. Better than I did sometimes I think. And he isn’t here 💔 I am not okay. I’m not okay today and I won’t be okay tomorrow. Maybe a tomorrow far off in the distance I might be. But right now, I’m not okay.

Posted by MrsG at 2022-06-25 20:23:49 UTC