So I'm new to this app and to help me with my question, you'd have to hear my story first. I'm going to shorten it as much as possible. I lost my Aunt to suicide when i was 8 yrs old, my mom to suicide when I was 12, and then my father also to suicide when I was 24. I just turned 35 yrs old two days ago. So the week before my mother died I had a few nightmares of her dying, all in sudden ways. Also with my father, I didn't have any dreams, but I somehow knew what I was about to walk in on that evening. I lived in the house that both my mother and father killed themselves in for nine years after my fathers death. No support, just my two girls and I, all my siblings lived in other states. In that time, every spare moment I had, I dove deep into working on myself. I was pretty sure i had got through the process of grief, guilt, forgiveness etc...I decided i needed to get out of the house I grew up in, it was home don't get me wrong. it was still filled with so much negative energy, and i felt I needed a new start. So we moved last year, closer to one of my brothers. I love my brother dearly, but that sibling bond that i hear everyone talk about, faded after our mothers death over 20 years ago. In the year we've been here, we've only got together maybe 2 or 3 times. They work alot, and are having problems in their marriage, brother has depression, and she just had cancer removed. So I wasn't letting my head get the best of me in this situation. So the other night I woke up from a nightmare that I found my brother dead(suicide). I did my best to shake it off that day at work, and was overall okay. An then at the end of the day, my sister in law calls me and asks me if I could go check on my brother on the way home. He wasn't answering his phone, which wasn't like him. She felt like something was wrong. An that right there was EXACTLY how my nightmare started off the night before. The feeling I felt at that moment is completely indescribable, my coworker looked at me with concern. Apparently the color in my face had drained, and my reaction to something so simple confused him. I was shaking, I couldn't focus on anything around me, tbh I could barely breathe. An the only thing I could say was," This is exactly how it started, this was the nightmare I had." He had no clue what I was talking about, because I didn't tell anyone about the dream. I think I smoked 3 cigarettes back to back on my way to go check on my brother. An took every ounce of strength I had to get out of my car and go find him. Turns out he was asleep and everything was alright thank God. I don't really know what to think about it all. I was so sure I was playing out that nightmare, that call was exactly how it started and it felt so real. I know for a fact it triggered something. I can't get out of my head, and it completely drained me. I haven't felt that feeling in almost 10 years now, it felt like I just endured another suicide in my family. I thought I had worked through all of this! I honestly feel like it all just resurfaced and punched me straight the face. Like all the work I've been doing the past almost 10 years was all pointless. I'm so confused now, why did it play out like this? What do I do with this? I don't even know how to start processing this one.

Posted by baileytorir at 2024-02-03 21:06:18 UTC