It’s been 3 weeks. Since ex-partner of 11 years took his own life, with a friend’s gun, that was unloaded but not properly.. I’ve gone through anticipatory grief for him due to his work and lifestyle a thousand times, but this. I had been reducing contact because I’m in a new relationship and much of last year, struggling to feel happy, centered, wondering if it was circumstantial or transient or if I’d made nothing but mistakes since 2019…Taking a scholarship abroad, during a pandemic. Struggling to communicate with my ex during that time; did I want too much from him, he from me? Were the times he was dishonest, unavailable that unforgivable? Did the pain of coming back to a different relationship outweigh the moments we had together that were real, healthy joy? & did the tumult of the earlier 5 years when he was consistently away for work really teach us anything, together or separate? When we were together, we had so many cycles of conflict (and for me, paralyzing fear — during times he would go no-contact) and I was burnt out. Traumatized. We went our separate ways in 2021. 2022 was a confusing blur. He was having fun. I was learning not to hang on his every word. 2023 was supposed to be about rebuilding our senses of self and stability and eventually having a healthy friendship. And he was doing so well, he said, others said. I planned to reconnect right after the holidays, catch up in a better headspace. But he picked up the gun the day before Christmas. And now the world and half of my life feels entirely wrong.

Posted by Deleted (393b38ac) at 2024-01-12 14:43:10 UTC