Good evening, my name is Genae. I lost multiple family members to various health issues along with a very close friend of my to gunshot violence all within 2021 and 2022. I lost my grandfather to a major heart attack with multiple complications in 12/2021, 2 great aunt's to lung cancer 3/2021 and 4/2022 and another great aunt to ovarian cancer 6/2021. The close friend that passed was shot 8/2021. This friend was someone I've loved since elementary school the only person who understood my quietness and could get me out my shell. With these people gone I feel lost, as if I have failed them, and a little angry with my self for not being more accomplished in my life so that they would have had an opportunity to witness my accomplishments. I have anxiety behind these loss because I'm battling with what I should be doing and wanting to give up all together. I tried counseling but found myself running away from that as well as it brought up a whole other field of emotions I wasn't ready to touch. I struggle with the thoughts that my grandfather won't be present the day I get married if that day ever comes. I struggle with my feelings of anger because I wasn't expecting my friend to leave me in the way that he did. I also lost a great great grandmother on my dad's side this year. I haven't seen her in so long and didn't realize how long it had been until I recognized her house from childhood where we had the repast. With these losses in my life I noticed that I've become distant needy but wanting to be left alone and mentally gone but physically present. I've tried getting myself up and out of this mind set and empty space. I just don't know how to fully do that.
Posted by genae_sam at 2022-06-21 23:48:46 UTC