Taking a trip across country. My first trip without him. My first trip without someone to check in with. My first trip, not by myself, but it certainly feels that way without him here. I lost one of his sweaters in a hotel room and didn’t realize until we were over 6 hours away. I haven’t stopped thinking about it and regretting taking it. I wanted a part of him with me on this trip. Now I’m rethinking everything. Every decision that I haven’t been able to run by him. Every single thing I’ve done that’s lead me to this point. Then I missed a turn off to avoid construction and ended up stuck stand still on the freeway for nearly 2 hours. All I want to do is curl into a ball and give up. I want to go home. I don’t want new experiences that he isn’t a part of. I wanted to get out and try to live life the way we did before. Just seeing things and exploring was enough. Now it feels like I shouldn’t even be out here. Why am I trying when I have no reason left alive to keep living this way and experiencing anything besides my hometown. Why go out when the entire world terrifies me without my protector by my side, and no one to ask important questions to, to help me make those decisions. Even as simple as which way to go, what to stop and see. I started this trip so positive but today has sapped every ounce of motivation I had left. I just feel so lost.
Posted by Kimberly at 2022-06-21 09:03:52 UTC