First holiday season without my dad. Was estranged from both parents who divorced when I was small and also both brothers who struggle mental illness (as do i). after losing my dad ive been terrified to lose my mom too, so i started opening up to try to reconnect with her. today im reflecting on so many times throughout my life when i havent felt ready. i wasnt ready to lose my dad and im not ready to be full-on relational with my mom. but the holidays are here, my airbnb was terrible, so i just spent the night at my moms for the first time in an entire decade. it feels overwhelming and “too much too soon”. i honestly cant wait to go home - to MY home and my own bed and space. it’s just so heavy and everything is loaded with cPTSD and unresolved trauma that my family (mom) is struggling to acknowledge. i’m trying to be grateful and find ways to take space and move at my own pace and listen to what i need. my mom has a way of steamrolling my boundaries and wants things to go right back to the way they were (an enmeshed MESS). i just know i should make the most of this time with her, because i just lost my dad and didn’t get this time with him. AND im not ready to give her this much access to me and share this much time with her all at once. it feels vulnerable and strange. sometimes i hate the holidays - esp fathers and mothers day. because those things should be celebrated when it feels right. when we’re READY. ❤️‍🩹 thanks for listening and restful, peaceful, comforting holidays to you, friends❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹

Posted by sadi3 at 2023-12-25 16:52:31 UTC