Yesterday night I was close to a nervous breakdown, again. I miss Him so much every time I experience anything I want to tell him about it. The love I have for him is more than I ever thought I could feel for a man. My emotions are constantly jumping from sadness to guilt to depression and anger. I know I have to take better care of myself because punishing me doesn’t help anybody and over the Last months I let myself really down. I stopped opening letters, drinking a lot alone, cancelling appointments and crying all day. But I know he always wanted me to be strong and fight for the life I want to live. I wanted a life with him but now I am trying to create a new life, without him but also for him. I have been avoiding to deal with the grief so far, but I am really at a breaking point. That’s why I downloaded the app and I want to heal. I want to make sense. I want to forgive myself one day hopefully. I want to look at our photos and not instantly start crying but having a smile in my face and be grateful for the time we had. This is by far the hardest loss I ever had to experience. We wanted a life together but he left too soon. We were so close to getting everything right and healing together. He always had my back. No he is gone and I constantly feel guilt because I think if I would have had myself better together already I could have helped him. I am also angry at myself for not having started a family with him earlier. He always wanted children, I was so stupid I said; let’s wait until we are having this and that. I regret it do much. I believe in a higher power, whatever that might be. I never really thought about it a lot but since he passed I also received signs. Some were so specific that I couldn’t even take them serious because I thought I am going crazy. But I am learning to trust. So now… I don’t want to let him down, I don’t want to let myself down anymore by stayin in this „grief-freeze“ . I want to get through the pain and honour him. I just don’t know where to start. Does anybody know how to start? There is a lot of shame around his dead. And i hate it because I don’t have anybody around me who I could talk about this. our relationship was very emotionally charged and not always just easy, therefore people around me unfortunately do not understand my grief in missing him, missing what we were even though it wasn’t perfect. Missing his energy. And the fact that we were healing and growing together.

Posted by Klb at 2022-06-18 13:28:22 UTC