I posted this in the regular parent loss group but I’m hoping in here I may find someone who can relate to my story: I’m new to this app and hoping it can provide some kind of help. I’ve tried griefshare groups in person but I always give up going. I lost my mom abruptly on May 16th 2021. My mom and I always had a complicated relationship. I loved her to death but she was also incredibly mentally and emotionally abusive. It has impacted my mental health and how I view myself as I’ve grown into adulthood substantially. When she died I think our relationship was the worst it’s ever been. The month prior she told me she hated me. On Mother’s Day (a week before her death), I did nothing for her. It was the first year I couldn’t even force myself to do anything for her. My sister told me she woke up crying the next day. I tried to show I felt bad and make up for it (forced myself), I didn’t even give her a hug. Not even 48 hrs before she died I was out partying late and told someone I felt I would feel peace when she died. I meant it too. She controlled so much of my life and my son’s because she helped me with him so much as I had nobody else. I hated it and how he would witness the abuse and chaos. I hated how she used the fact she would help with him as leverage to control me, shame me, guilt me. The fact she died within a couple days after I spoke that is a lot to wrap my head around still. The overall guilt is consuming. She did so much for me my entire life while simultaneously making me miserable. Within an hour of the phone call I was hugging her body crying how sorry I was. I still feel this way. At the same time I do feel relief she is gone. I feel free and like I can finally heal now because I’m not under constant abuse. But at the same time I cry all the time and miss her. Have any of you experienced something similar? I feel like I’ll never get out of this grief. I’ve been in two treatment centers, therapy, almost destroyed my life at one point I got so bad. Will it ever get easier?

Posted by ashleyrakes7 at 2023-11-29 05:36:52 UTC