Always when I start feeling a bit better, a big wave off sadness overcomes me. But I can't even really feel the the real sadness becuase I don't feel save enough. It took a lifetime to build my trust to her and to feel save enough to express my emotions near her, how am I supposed to find anybody else, I feel so connected to, so I could maybe express my pain? And if I do really feel my pain, I can't find any word to describe what is happening. The only person I knew who could understand me even though I didn't say any word was her. I just need my grandmother to hold me, but she is dead. And every time I want to pull myself together for something else in my life it just feels very shitty. I'm asking myself, why should I, this loss is so big, if her loss is not important to me (and everytime I try actively to find joy in something else it feels like I try to run from my feelings and that I ignore the fact how horrible it is that she is dead), what is then important to me though? There's not anything else on this earth that is more important than the people you love and the people you support you the most. I miss her every day. It feels like I can't really handle anything without her by my side. She was the one who did know me best. She was my save spot, when it felt like the world is ending I could go to her and all my heavy sadness felt much easier to carry after talking to her. She was the one I could freely cry and didn't felt like I overshared. Sometimes she was my best friend. I did knew she is always there for me, if I something went wrong and could not see it, she got my back. I can't carry this proudly because I didn't want it to happen in the first place. Like I want to feel better, but I don't want to feel like her death is in any way okay for me. It feels like I will never ever be able to fill this hole, but I don't know how to live with it and honestly I really really don't want to.

Posted by janine_cascada at 2022-06-11 21:49:03 UTC