Hi. I’m Mistie from Portland, OR. August 13 I lost the father of my adult child to a very tragic accident. We had a very complicated relationship but no matter the bad I always loved him. He was ALWAYS someone I could call whenever needed a shoulder to lean on, to cry on, when I needed tough love or a tender heart, he new me better than anyone ever had and maybe ever will. He was my first real deep love, my twin flame, but after many hurts I swore I’d never let him hurt me again and that the last time we attempted a relationship would in fact be the last time; however, I never stopped loving him even if over the years that loved changed. We shared an incredible connection and bond that went far deeper than the child we created together. My daughter also had a complicated relationship with their father and for the past 5 years wanted nothing to do with him despite my many attempts to encourage a relationship for fear they’d have to experience the same type of complicated grief I experienced when I lost my own father at the age of 32 after never having a relationship with him. A couple months before his death they had just started to reconnect mainly by phone because they said they weren’t not ready to see him in person. The last time my daughter saw their father he was lying on a table at the viewing. That is the memory they are left with. I feel angry I couldn’t protect my child from this hurt. I’m angry with him for not wearing a life vest when kayaking when he knew he wasn’t a good swimmer. I’m angry my daughter will never know how much he loved her even though he made mistakes and hurt the both of us. . I feel guilty for grieving this man who hurt me so many times when I’m in a loving and happy relationship with my boyfriend for almost 5 years. I feel like I have to hide my grief to protect his feelings. I feel guilty for having cherished memories of him when my daughter doesn’t have many good ones at all. Most of all I feel gutted, and sadness like I’ve never felt before over the loss of someone I loved so dearly. I miss my friend, I miss having someone to share our daughters triumphs together. I miss having someone who knew me so well that he could just hear my voice and know I wasn’t okay even when I said I was. Apologies for my novel. It’s all a lot. I always joked our story was a telenovela and in keeping with that theme it all ended so tragically.

Posted by Mistie Rose at 2023-10-06 06:57:37 UTC