I’ve been told my loss and grief is not real so many times I often believe it but I’m not sure what else it could be other than really complicated “loss” and grief. The person I lost is not physically dead… but he will never be the same So I grieve the person I lost due to mental illness which is entirely real. My life partner and best friend had a psychotic break from reality 365 days ago to the day. In the process of his psychosis his entire world and mine were forever altered. Although he is still alive after his suicide attempts, the life we had will never exist in the same way and I guess I just grieve those losses everyday. He was diagnosis with schizoaffective bipolar type after months of anguish and trauma and his actions during his psychosis will likely haunt him for the rest of his life. He probably will never find a job, he has 100s of legal issues, I believe he has a lot shame and very few people willing to stand by him or give him the benefit of the doubt. My family hates him. My friends hate him. The entire world is against him. No one in my life understands the pain and grief of losing him in the way I did and they all expect me to move on and be ok but I cannot let him go. I tried for a mere day and I couldn’t. II know most people are here for loss of a loved one, and mine is still alive, but he is an entirely different person and I grieve the person he once was everyday. I’m also learning how to love someone where they are at and for who they are now but I am doing that in secret, silence and entirely alone. Love is a choice but it’s also a deep feeling and I have chosen to love him despite it all in an effort to be true to myself, no matter how painful. It’s extremely complicated and complex grief that consumes me at times and it hurts when I am told that because I can still talk to my loved one that I cannot possibly know grief… as If I am not allowed to grieve my former life before this mess, my former partner/best friend and who he was before this all occurred, and the future we were building together which was just torn from me within a blink of an eye. I just think this loss is complicated and I have no where else to go.

Posted by morganksaucier at 2023-10-05 14:17:56 UTC