I lost my common law husband of 17 years this past September (he was 48, i was 44).. He had struggled for years with "low visibility" alcoholism, and relapsed during the pandemic (something I only became aware of when he ended up in ICU with pancreatitis and type 1 diabetes). In the months following his hospital stay he continued drinking, started taking prescribed pain killers and was depressed/unable to accept his diagnosis. At our lowest I was calling emergency services at least twice a week before making the desperate decision to force a physical separation, hoping that breaking the cycle and the reality of losing things would make him fight or try. In the months after, our contact was limited and the visits he suggested always ended up being canceled (he was always "too tired today"). I had heard he had lost his job although he never mentioned it...I in turn, resisted the urge to swoop in and help/clean up. A month before his passing, I had ignored a random text from him requesting just to chat (having blocked him when his messages got accusatory and ranty). He was my best friend for years (something that helped us endure some rough patches), and my family. He held me up in 2020 during my remaining parent's sudden cancer diagnosis and medically assisted dying. While I know logically we all make our own choices, and I did as much as I could, I struggle with terrible guilt and anger on top of the crushing grief, and the constant dark loop of " did he i know i still loved him or did he feel abandoned?"/"why why why why ???" made worse in finding out he wasn't taking his insulin (whether due to stubbornness, forgetfulness or with purposeful intent I'll never know). It feels like being punished now...enforcing a break for a reset has become radio silence forever and I just can't accept that this is it.

Posted by erical at 2023-05-03 14:59:19 UTC