I don’t feel like I fit in any category. To society my loss is complicated- because it doesn’t fit the domestic structures of “life”. The loss of an ex-partner. No one knows what to do with that. Because, well… “you weren’t together.” We only seem to understand grief within the moment that the death happens. Those present circumstances shape how grief is given. The persons past is indifferent to their present? Surely death is the great equaliser, where we look at one another and say “my feelings are no less worthy than theirs”. To me, it is the clearest feeling, the love of my life died. And I’m not allowed to grieve. No one remembers. No one thinks of you. It makes people feel awkward. They want me to stop talking about it. No one contacts me. No one reaches out. I am constantly reaching. Grief becomes so binary. It’s so difficult that we lose the ability to process anything outside the norm. That humans are capable of complex feelings- that we never truly know anyone - that we can love more than one person at one time. His death is the greatest loss of my life - and no one cares. I understand that it needs to be enough that I know - my grief is valid, he loved me, our bond is unbreakable - but when society only allows grief to exist in one clear, clean, orderly way - it feels like you’re fighting for validation constantly. If not validation - support. Am I allowed to feel grief? Yes. Do I have to remind, and relearn this fact every day? Yes. My grief is mine. No one can take my intangible thing away. I miss him.

Posted by a.ham at 2023-04-25 01:25:57 UTC