5/20/21 - Losing a parent you provided the care for isn’t something I ever really thought to prepare myself for. My mom was sick my whole life. She was in and out of hospitals. She was getting sicker every time she went in for a checkup. I’d say I was about 10 when I started to just expect that she’d never get home. I was always holding my breath for something bad to happen. And I had no one to tell these big feelings to because they just didn’t ask. My fear bloomed around then. I was so scared of her dying. By the grace of God, my mom pushed through her illness until I was 28. We quarantined together and truly, she was thriving during that time. From 14 onward I became her go to person to care for her through her ups and down with her health. So much of my identity is wrapped up in her. And now that she’s gone, I feel like I have no identity. That fear hasn’t left me, it has manifested into something else. Nothing I say makes sense sometimes because I’m still trying to find the right words.

Posted by janette_cyn at 2022-05-20 20:20:07 UTC