Just throwing this out there…. My story is long but I’ll make it as short as possible When my dad died I was prescribed Xanax which I was already developing a slight habit with due to the fact that I’ve struggled with depression since my first older brother was murdered when he was 16 and I was 14. We were best friends… idk, either that or teenage angst, or both, I’ve struggled with depression since. My dad gets diagnosed with cancer , doesn’t tell me about it until it’s too late and ended up dying very quickly in about 2 months. I watched my strong best friend, protector superhero become a sleeping skeleton I didn’t recognize. 6 months later I get a call that my other oldest brother passed away due to drug addiction (heart attack at 35). This was 4 months into me dating my boyfriend at the time who would be my live in boyfriend for the next 7 years. 7 months after that, we get a call that my boyfriends younger sister who I had become very close with, passed away at age 21 unexpectedly from a fentanyl overdose while making party favors for her sons second birthday. A year later his mother passed away from a broken heart (cancer). Needless to say during the next 7 years we both handled our grief differently. We basically became ships passing in the night where he would spend his days and nights out drinking with the excuse that he was a bartender and I would spend my days and nights “functioning” while secretly popping any pill I could get my hand on. That, until neither of us were functioning and the glaring reality that we were both addicts stared us down the face as we both adamentley denied that either of us were the problems indivdually, it was the other ones fault we were both in such a bad place! "It's her fault we fight so often!" "It's his fault we're broke!" Neither of us taking any accountability for our own roles as to where we were in life and the fact that we needed to make a choice. During COVID and both of us going into our own full addictions, my friends were completely over my shit and my chaos and the hurt and pain I was causing them - they decided they were done with me. I was left to go start chillin with my friends from my neighborhood, keep in mind I'm from lower manhattan born and raised. Dove deeper into my addiction and into my own world. I barely remember the next two years but I still managed to somehow secure a job and continue the appearance of functioning. "So what my friends from over the last decade cut me off? They're all haters!" I kept up the charade as did he, living to serve and drink beer, then go spend all this money on it. Finally after night and fight 1902804958109-80948514 and pills and bottle of wine for myself at this point, I put his things in a garbage bag and told his sister to come get them. It was the first good decision I made in the 10 years since this series of events began,. Braking out of my comfort zone. But it did not come without a price. I ended up SPIRALING after he left and I'm talking one foot into my grave. I met someone on the street drunk and we ended up having mutual friends and smoking a blunt together "A NYC love story!" except for the fact we were both addicted to opiods and would fight so bad the police would be called by my neighbors. There's way more to my story but I don't want to continue... I just want to sum it up by saying that I got a puppy, got away from him, MOVED out of NYC. I got a new job that's perfect! My mom is happy, healthy and supports me and has never left my side. The true definition of unconditionally loving someone. I say all this to say that my greatest fear is the day I lose my mom. I don't know how to not be in touch with the reality of the situation that I am going to be completely destroyed. It's inevitable. The ONE thing in lfe we're guaranteed. I wish they taught us about death in school. The consideration that one day I'm going to lose everything/everyone that I love actually prevents me from having ANY kind of emotional relationship. My friends still havent talked to me to this day, and my old friends from my neighborhood also cut me off as well. I don't nknow how to stop the bahabior of not getting eotionally attached to ANYONE, at all because no matter what a relationship either ends in bad terms or death and im not good w that.

Posted by popdukesineedyou at 2023-03-28 03:09:29 UTC