Soul purging. Bare with me. - I didn’t realize when you suffer a loss, after everyone has gone home, the food has been eaten, and flowers have dried up- the pain of having to say that you are grieving doesn’t end. Not just through memories. Not just through triggers. But when you get a phone call from account services asking for them and you have to announce “they have passed away.” When someone reaches out randomly to see you if you’re free to babysit the night before Mother’s Day, and you have to decline but feel the need to tell them that your mom died and you don’t think you’ll be okay the days around Mother’s Day. When you stay up later than your boyfriend to listen to him breathe, and ask yourself over and over that if for some reason he stops breathing can you get him to the floor safely and call 911? If so, who do you call first his mom or dad? Dates make my heart ache. Going through my emails to try to find a PayPal password and I see an email from 2/9/21 - just a normal day, nothing special, but it was exactly 5 days away from my mom passing. I didn’t know on the 9th that I was going to lose her a few days later. I still can’t believe she is really gone. When the words “my mom passed away” are said or typed out I feel like I’m lying. These aren’t true words. Not her. She’s supposed to be here.

Posted by janette_cyn at 2022-05-19 17:18:55 UTC