Hi there. I found this website through Instagram and thought as I'm struggling with grief I would give it a try. I have a husband and 3 amazing children I am so grateful for. However 6 months ago I lost my favourite person in the world, my special Nan. She raised me from birth and we had an incredible bond. She was diagnosed with ovarian cancer last April and I was shattered. The hardest part is we couldn't tell her. She always said she didn't want to know so I had to try and be strong for her but would come away from appointments drop her off and sob. We had a plan though and she was offered treatment and started receiving some. There was a mistake made which led to her falling ill. I stayed with her checking her temp and monitoring her closely at home but she was taken into hospital the next day. She was still running round and had energy. I went to every single appointment with her. Every hospital, hours at a time just to be with her. She hated hospitals and I always tried to make it a bit light-hearted for her. But that day I wasn't allowed to go to A&E with her. I spoke to the doctor when she was admitted she was chatting and OK so I thought great she will get what she needs and be out. Again I was told I could pass things in but not allowed to stay. I called the hospital several times as they hadn't checked her and she was sick. I was fobbed off basically. I called again to check and make sure she had what she needed. Then 2 hours later I got the worst phone call of my life. She had passed away. My brain couldn't take it in. I have never fainted but I literally dropped to the floor wailing. I was permitted to go to her after death though so I hugged, talked and sobbed on her. I couldn't leave her. I was prized out the hospital by my family because I felt so guilty. It eats me up now still. I have nightmares. Panic attacks when I think of never seeing her again. She called me a couple of days before to check I was going with her to an appointment and said she always felt better when I was with her. And I can't get that out my mind. I feel like I failed her. I know I didn't as it wasn't my fault. But I think should I have demanded to go in. We were unaware of how Ill she was. It was Urosepsis that took her. I am sorry this is a long post but until I get some counselling I am waiting on, I'm finding it hard to do things. I can only describe it as she has taken a part of me with her and I don't know how to get it back. I had wound my business down to care for her and I have now taken a hiatus as it is a job I need to concentrate and I just can't. I craft now. When I feel a panic attack coming on I design something or create. I don't know how to manage them because I can't accept never seeing her again. If anyone does read this thank you I know it's a long one and you probably have your own grief to deal with so sending you kind thoughts too ❤️ x

Posted by Danzel at 2022-04-05 23:19:04 UTC