In less than 2 weeks it will be a year since I lost my father. He wasn’t there and I only ever heard from him when I sought him out on Facebook when I was 14. He was an alcoholic who was homeless at times. He then disappeared for Years and I received a random message about his passing. I tried finding him when I grew up to try to form some kind of relationship and later discovered my cousin kept him from me. When I found out he died, I lost it. I couldn’t wrap my head around how I could grieve so hard for a man I barely knew. But it was more about the unanswered questions and the closure that I would never get. The fact I never got to see him and talk face to face. The little girl in me who wanted nothing but my father to be there and be proud will never get any form of closure. It’s a kind of pain that I couldn’t even begin to process. And it’s so hard to explain because it’s not like losing a present parent. I mostly just shove my feelings aside but as it comes up on the anniversary of his death it gets harder to ignore. I just find myself looking at the stars for some form of guidance. Even now I hope he’s watching proudly.

Posted by CaraB at 2023-02-24 20:57:10 UTC