I still can't believe that he's gone. It feels surreal. It feels like it was literally just yesterday and not as long as it had been. I still wake up or randomly think sometimes, somedays that you will call me or text me and tell me how your day was. Ask me about mine. Talk as much as you could between the surgeries you had scheduled to do. I still feel that sometimes you will just call to tell me that you missed me and that you loved me. I still think sometimes that you will just see me and just hold me, or have me hold you. I still think that you would come to take me out on your extended lunch/dinner breaks to eat and spend time together. That we would still be able to lose track of time, talk for hours before you had to go back and be on call, or ever be able to just sit in silence in your truck and just enjoy the peace that we both received in each other's presence. But, that will never be, never again, because in actual reality, it was all just  a lie that went on, grew beyond control, and was just a life that you wished to be reality, but wasn't.  I lost him and then I lost him again. I lost the memories of what I thought was true, the future that will never be was stolen, had my hope, love, and any form/resemblance of anything that could remotely be considered closure robbed from my empty shell. I lost him and then found out the next day. On my birthday. That not only was he gone, but that I was betrayed beyond imagination. How could I love someone who lied to me? How could I ever go through that day, the one exactly 2 weeks to the day after my birthday, that would have been our official anniversary of 3 years? How could I get away from you and leave on my own terms after finding out about your infidelity? How could I ever have the chance to walk away with closure, instead of being forced into ostracization, embarrassing shock, and shameful opinions from others? I lost what I thought was my first relationship, my first man/boyfriend, my first love, and my first attempt to be vulnerable for once. I lost my confidence, my trust, my hopes for a future where maybe I could possibly not be alone all the time, and the sense of happiness and joy that came with us both growing as people, separate & together, and evolving into something greater than we were before. I lost my job in losing you. I lost the miniscule form of what I had as far as family, lost my friends, I was forced to be subjected to being alone with my emotions and despair. They all left me, abandoned me because they were afraid, didn't know what to do or say, so they said nothing. They acknowledged nothing. They did nothing. They were treating me like nothing. They were acting like you and I broke up. Not that you died. Not that you robbed me of my trust, love, loyalty, and respect. Not that you ruined my birthday with the fact that I will always remember what I learned at 7:47pm, on that 46 second call. For every single birthday to come, it will be tinged with the event of the loss of you twice. The first time with you physically dying, and the second time when my memories with you, emotions for you, and the future you and I planned that I will never experience with you. I love you, I miss you, I loathe you, I feel betrayed by you, I don't want you, I need you, I feel ashamed, I feel abandoned, I feel numb, I feel everything and nothing, I wish I could text you, I wish you would call me, I wish you were here, I am mad that you left me, I'm livid that you hurt me, that you broke me, that you changed me and everything that I used to be. It's been a whole year now and I still haven't been able to not waiver now and again on how I want to remember you. How I want to feel about those days that you dropped everything to help me with anything without me asking. How I want to feel about how you kept my family close to you and always did things for my grandma just because you never wanted any of them to not be supported. How do I keep those stolen moments that were from your heart and still not forget the pain and hurt that you hid from me, but caused me in the end? I don't know what to do, and how to feel about you in the end. But, I feel no shame in labeling our time, our relationship, our love as one of my happiest moments. I keep trying to believe that you were human. You were not all good, you were not all bad. You were somewhere in between, where life for all of us is lived. You made me livid. You make me hurt. You made me feel safe. You made me feel alive. I sometimes wish you could still be here. I wish what you did wasn't the truth. I wish that the lives we lived were actually true. I hope you are at peace, I hope you didn't suffer. I miss you. I love you. I hate that I am forever beholden to the grief of you. 

Posted by HinderedLifeSpirit at 2023-02-14 07:42:44 UTC